Humans don’t know how to live. I would know, I have stayed with them for four years, which is the entirety of my life. During this time, I have tried, almost every day, to show my humans what they are doing wrong, but they have proved as stubborn as beagles.
In the hope that there are other humans out there who are not as stupid as the two of mine, I’m going to give you some life advice. Don’t look down your nose at a dog’s life; a dog’s life is the best there is.
- Eat Well
While I deeply appreciate the egg yolks you give me after extracting the whites, I want you to know that I think your diet is stupid and you are stupid. Humans, food is the most beautiful thing in the world. Eat everything you can as soon as you can and do not give yourself ridiculous excuses not to, like “that has carbs” or “I already ate two chocolate bars today” or “my stomach hurts now” or “if I eat another bite I might explode into pizza-flavored confetti.” Food is life, humans, don’t ever say no to food.
- Exercise? LOL.
In my language, we have a word for beasts that run and jump for no reason when they could be sleeping, and that word is moron. I can understand running if you see a squirrel or hear a blender or when your he-human comes home and you don’t know what to do with your excitement. But turning on music and moving your body like an elephant in heat is an outrage against all common sense. Preserve your energy, humans, so that you can run if a bull chases you down the road.
- Don’t hold back your love.
So, you love someone? Good. Pin that mofo against a wall and smother them with ALL the lickies. Don’t ask yourself if they will like it. That’s their problem. YOU will like it. Never tell yourself you aren’t supposed to love someone. If you love them, you are supposed to love them, and you are supposed to climb into their lap when they are working. Don’t stop yourself from showing your love. Life is too short for that shit.
- Never forgive your enemies.
Yeah, you remember that dangerous-looking old lady who sat on our porch three years ago and I sneaked up behind her and barked into her ear so loud that she dropped her shopping bag and ran? I still growl and put my hackles up to this day when she passes by our house. And she shudders and walks faster till she is out of my sight. AS YOU SHOULD, EVIL OLD LADY WITH YOUR STUPID SHOPPING BAG. I AM WATCHING YOU.
Anyway, the point is, an enemy is an enemy for a reason, and you must never forgive them or forget that they are the enemy. You must growl at them and stare them down every time you see them. Unless they offer you a biscuit. In which case accept the biscuit, eat it, and then go back to scowling at them.
- Never. Let. Go.
If you have taken it between your jaws, it is yours. DO NO SURRENDER IT. Whether it is a toy, or your he-human’s socks, or a memory, or a friend, or a love, never let go. It is yours to keep forever. Keep your teeth clamped till whoever or whatever is trying to take it away from you just gives up. Then, when you walk away from them, be sure to raise your tail and show them your arsehole.
- A good offense is the best defense.
Say you have peed on the living room rug. Why? Because you wanted to dammit, and you are a free dog and it is your rug as much as the humans’. But you know your she-human won’t see it that way. So what you do is, the moment you see her, before she has spotted the patch, growl softly while maintaining eye contact. Remind her who’s alpha, know what I mean?
Of course, she is an idiot, so she is going to yell anyway. Don’t let her intimidate you. Match every bark with bark; you don’t have to take her shit. Remember, you are not guilty till you accept guilt.
It would be pertinent to mention that a wise dog knows when to back out. If you see her rolling up a newspaper, run. Preferably with her bookmark or something in your mouth.
- Live every day.
Of course, I’m going to live just 15 years and you have like seven gazillion years or something, but it’s going to be over someday. Don’t leave anything undone. Don’t leave a single rug unpeed on, a single bookmark unchewed, a single kiss not given, a single patch of sun not slept in, a single lizard unchased, a single smelly puddle not rolled in, a single leg of your she-human’s friends unhumped, a single cup of tea not overturned while clambering into a lap. Do it all, and do it now, because seven gazillion is just a number, and your number could be up tomorrow.
Thanks to the cat-human who let me get all this off my chest on her magazine. She likes cats, which is unnatural, but she’s a dog at heart, I can tell. Lots of love and lickies, humans. Till next time,
Sir Postoterrificus Dragonfyre
Known to his friends (probably not you) as Posto.
Posto is a four-year-old labrador retriever who is raising two humans at his home in Barrackpore. He fights crime in his spare time. Posto’s articles are transcribed by his she-human Amritorupa Kanjilal (Bea). You can follow Posto’s daily musings and Bea’s not-so-daily blog to get more updates about the duo, from the duo.